Three’s Company?

Polygamy is a sensitive issue that still provokes strongly divided opinions whenever it hits the headlines. With a crop of new books on the subject, Maggie Tiojakin reports there is no end to the debate.  

We all know what it is. Look it up in Thesaurus, Merriam-Webster, Britannica or American Heritage, and they say the same thing: Polygamy is the practice of having more than one wife or husband at the same time. Oddly, or rather naturally with such a personal, sensitive subject, they won’t tell you whether it’s a good or bad thing.

Late last year, the Indonesian media and public figures hopped onto a single bandwagon that was headed toward reconciliation between those who are for and against polygamy. To no one’s surprise, it never got there.

For now, though, both the media and public figures are taking a breather—a short break from all the brouhaha ignited by religious cleric Aa Gym’s second marriage and Yahya Zaini’s adulterous affair. Nevertheless, the subject always remains close to the public consciousness.

At the start of 2007, local publishing houses released a string of new titles competing to offer the most concise explanation about practice. Among the contenders are Polygamy is Cheating by Dono Baswardono; Polygamy (Perspectives on Marriage) by Titik Triwulan Tutik, S.H., M.H. and Trianto, S.Pd, M.Pd.; My Thousand Wives (Polymonogamy, Monopolygamy) by Emha Ainun Nadjib and The Beauty of Polygamy by Rachmat Ramadhana Al-Banjary and Anas al-Djohan Yahya.

Across the globe, polygamy remains a delicate social issue with no clear resolution at hand. It was once the case that having many wives or concubines invested a leader with power. Today, however, many opposed to the practice dismiss it as mismanaged sexual desire, a condemnation that leaves many polygamists unwilling to speak publicly about their relationship.   

Although in other countries polygamy has been associated with more than one religious belief, here it is largely attributed to Islam.

“People detest polygamy because of the few personalities who abuse the ideology,” stated Rachmat, author of The Beauty of Polygamy, “but if people have a better understanding of the religion, it may happen that women will want polygamy for their own good.”

“When I think of polygamy, I think of suffering,” said Linda Djalil, a senior journalist who has spent most of her adult years covering news for leading magazines like Tempo and Gatra. “Not just for the wives, but also for the children and their extended family. And even the husband himself.”

Divorced in 2000, Linda has made new friends in her return to the single life. The 49-year-old added that offers to become a second wife also have come her way.  

“I’ve received marriage proposals from married men who refused to take no for an answer,” said Linda. “They were very casual about it, as if it was all in a day’s work. These men are not just any men, you see. They’re powerful people with money and reputation. And they came to me with this idea to take me as a second or third wife. I reminded myself to open my mind, heart, and quickly shake my head.”

For her, it’s a very personal choice based on the fear of hurting others, and also about self-esteem.

“I can’t imagine attending someone’s wedding and meeting my husband there with his first wife. It’s not so much the sadness of having to share one man with someone else, but it has more to do with my individual pride. I mean, being a second or third wife is a lot more painful than you think.

“It’s more difficult than being a first wife, because as a second or third wife you’re dealing with things you just can’t prepare yourself for—such as being stigmatized by your community or feeling overly insecure in your own marriage.”

Rachmat Ramadhana Al-Banjary, in his book The Beauty of Polygamy, begs to differ. In his view, polygamy supports a woman’s right to be married. He argues that because available women outnumber available men, one man ought to be able to marry several women to balance out the differences. He also said that by agreeing to enter a polygamous marriage, a woman’s status will be maintained and her happiness ensured.

Women’s activist Musdah Mulia, who is an expert on Islamic theology, has countered that argument. Using the National Statistics Bureau’s database, she argues that currently there is only a 0.2 percent disparity between the male-female population in Indonesia, with most of the gap made up by girls below the age of 12 and women over 60. 

In the last few decades, polygamy—among other things—has raised concern over women’s rights wherever it is practiced. In 1979, the UN General Assembly adopted The Convention on the Elimination of All Forms of Discrimination against Women (CEDAW) which is often referred to as the international bill of rights for women.

The bill, which consists of a preamble and 30 articles, defines discrimination against women as “…any distinction, exclusion or restriction made on the basis of sex which has the effect or purpose of impairing or nullifying the recognition, enjoyment or exercise by women, irrespective of their marital status, on a basis of equality of men and women, of human rights and fundamental freedoms in the political, economic, social, cultural, civil, or other field.”

Indonesia became a signatory state on July 29, 1980. In February this year, Indonesia submitted a periodic report that included the battle against Article 4 (2) of the 1974 Marriage Law, which permits a husband to practice polygamy due to several conditions, such as the wife’s inability to carry out her responsibilities or bear children. In the report, it is “strongly recommended that the article … be totally amended because it is considered an extremely discriminative legal provision.”

Lawyer Jeanne T. Poegoeh, the chairman of Committee on Laws and Human Rights of The National Council of Women’s Organizations of Indonesia, acknowledged that her organization, along with others like the Alliance of White Ribbons, has been trying to amend the 1974 law to better serve and protect the interests of Indonesian women. But she insisted they were not trying to prohibit people from living their own lives and making personal choices.

“Mostly, polygamy is bad for women,” she contended. “However, there are women who do not mind participating in a polygamous marriage. We’re not aiming to ban polygamy or indict people who practice it; what we’re trying to do is place more restrictions on those who wish to engage in a polygamous union.”

They can take the example of several other countries. For example, in 2004 Morocco, among the few countries still permitting the practice of polygamy, approved a new family code which gave women the ability to draw up a pre-nuptial agreement forbidding their husbands from taking another wife. The code is expected to grant women the equality of rights and duties in a marriage, while abandoning the principle of the “obedient wife.”

Dono Baswardono, author of Polygamy is Cheating, said the reason many Indonesian women agree to a polygamous relationship is because they fear their husbands and themselves.

“There are a lot of Indonesian women who are financially independent,” Jeanne said. “Yet when it comes to marriage, the line that separates rights and responsibilities blurs out on them. Instead of expecting equal responsibility, they take all the responsibility of a marriage. And instead of demanding their rights in the marriage, they give it all to their husbands. This is the real conundrum.”

“Rani,” 38, a part-time house maid in East Jakarta, would prefer to be in a monogamous relationship. But three years ago, she went against her family’s wishes to accept a marriage proposal to become her taxi driver’s husband’s second wife.

“I didn’t plan to engage in polygamy,” she reasoned. “It just sort of happened. I fell in love with my husband and that was the end of the story. I was ready for whatever consequences that came with the deal.”

“I think it varies from person to person,” replied Daniel, an entrepreneur who runs his own freight and forwarding business in Jakarta. “Some people are better at monogamy than others; and it’s the same with polygamy.”

“It’s not something I’m proud of,” said Didi, a courier from North Jakarta. He has been married five times, and three times divorced. At some point, all of his five wives had lived together under one roof. His first and last wives are the only ones still married to him. He has fathered more than seven children.

“The Koran allows man to have up to four wives,” said Didi with a shrug. “And that’s that.”

“I’m in this marriage because I choose to be,” Rani said. “It’s not something every woman should, would or could do, because different people have different needs. On the contrary, if they are comfortable and feel loved and respected where they are, whether it’s a polygamous or monogamous marriage, then they shouldn’t let anyone coerce them into believing otherwise.”

Even opponents of the practice agree that ultimately it is inherently personal.

“In the end, it’s a choice,” Linda said. “I wouldn’t want to be anyone’s ‘other’ wife, but when it comes to love, your heart usually leaves you with very little choice.”

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