The Jakarta Post - Weekender

I’m not sure if this is a phenomenon afflicting only young urban girls in India, or a more universal one, but it certainly seems to have engulfed my family: three twenty-something nieces; one married, one on the verge and the third thinking about ‘sooner’ rather than “later”.

Seems like a definite move back to early marriages, in stark contrast to 20 years ago. So it’s coming full circle.

I, for one, am totally nonplussed, and seriously thinking this could be an emerging global trend, as just the other day a French friend mentioned that her 20-something sister-in-law was also contemplating an early marriage, and had no plans to work, despite her medical qualification.

What’s amazing is that these are mere 20-somethings, and they’re pretty clear about their priorities. At twenty-something I was still bouncing off the walls like a rubber ball, and had no idea what I wanted to do next week, never mind the rest of my life. Which hasn’t changed much since.

These kids, however, are single-minded; they know exactly what they want. Their primary focus is to settle down and raise a family, not to go out and work. I don’t get it. Maybe I’m out of step with the times?

Let me put it in perspective. I belong to a generation born roughly a half-century ago, in a country where tradition is strong and women took longer to make the move out of their homes into offices than their Western counterparts, who were out working already.

In India, when we were kids, most of our mothers were stay-at-home mums. It’s not like there were no career-women around at the time, just that they were the exception rather than the norm.

So by default, my generation was the first lot of young woman graduates to choose career over marriage. We metaphorically burned our bras, thereby putting both marriage and motherhood firmly in the ‘something-to-do-later’ box. We joined the workforce and exulted in our new-found economic independence. A strong new paradigm was emerging, and we were shaping it: the advent of the Indian career-woman.

Of my own schoolmates, around 25 percent got married immediately after graduating from University (and 2 straight out of school!), while the rest of us went to work. Naturally, the working girls ended up marrying later. Some of us were actually “over the hill” 30-somethings by the time we finally tied the knot, and some chose not to get married at all, unthinkable in our mothers’ time. It’s also true that we racked up more failed marriages than our parents’ generation, when “divorce” was still a social taboo.

And here we are today, barely a generation later, with our young girls wanting to get married at 21 and 22, happy to live in a joint family with the in-laws, and not go out to work! Maybe they took one look at the mess we’d made of our lives, and decided, “No way, that’s not for us!” And although three girls from a population of one billion may not be significant, the emergence of a change in perspective certainly is.

Another emerging phenomenon is the fluff-headed-bimbo-as-icon-worthy-of-emulation syndrome, which is positively scary. It seems that pretty-and-dumb is the new sexy, and the appeal of girls with the smarts is decidedly on the wane. Although we did see that in our day too, there wasn’t such a lot of media hype around it.

I speak here of reality show stars like Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie, from The Simple Life, which make me see a deep shade of crimson. Vapid, self-indulgent and utterly inane, I was stunned when the show went into a second season. That means people are actually watching it. And young girls are probably imbibing the sheer inanity of it; I have even begun to hear young girls echoing Paris Hilton’s trademark giggle.

And finally, an upsetting trend that has swept across the globe, and converted most young urban women into rail-thin caricatures of themselves: celebrity-induced anorexia. While this is really a pervasive form of media conditioning, what’s ironic is that there are many in the developing world who don’t have to resort to bulimia to look thin. They manage to look that way because they don’t get enough to eat.

What would I say, to a niece or daughter of mine? What wisdom would I share? I’d tell her that while I do believe that every young woman has the right to choose when she will get married, working for a bit before taking that step builds self esteem and confidence, strengths she will carry into her marriage. I’d tell her she is fortunate to have an education, and it would be a shame not to use it.

And I’d tell her that she has a mind of her own, and the right to exercise her will instead of following the herd.

Most of all, I’d tell her that she is in charge of her own life, something that previous generations of women have had to fight for.

+ Priya Tuli

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